Conflict vs Combat
James Whitfield
Kirkland, WA
Updated November 2020
The following are excerpts from an article written by James Whitfield.
When agreement abandons us, I believe that a leader’s responsibility is to embrace the disagreement. To step courageously into conflict. Here, then, is the moment for our distinction. It is between “combat” and “conflict”. The disagreements with which many of us are familiar are best described as combat. Two sides are each trying to win by getting the other person to stop. And if things have gone particularly well, the loser may even admit defeat. “You were right and I was wrong.”
The tactics are inherently adversarial. For instance, when Spouse A yells at Spouse B, it isn’t usually because A is merely adding volume to be heard despite B’s hearing impairment. It is, at its most fundamental, an attempt to cause enough pain so that B stops what they are doing. Maybe they want their spouse to stop defending some perceived lie, or stop being so stubborn, or simply stop arguing altogether. The assaults and counter-assaults escalate, as in war –the most extreme combat. Yelling begets sarcasm. Sarcasm begets slamming doors. Feelings are hurt. But rarely are attitudes changed. Winning the argument can often lead to losing the relationship.
Conflict, done well, is an entirely different exercise. We first acknowledge that we both have different perspectives on a matter. And the goal isn’t for one of us to win –nor is it necessarily to seek a “win/win”. The goal is to openly and honestly seek to understand the differences of perspective and work together to identify next steps that enhance the relationship and advance the shared purpose. The shared purpose in a family might be related to raising healthy children, or proving the in-laws wrong. In a work environment, the shared purpose can be about the mission or profit. This brings us to how we disagree well in a community context. The Adaptive Leadership phrase at play is “all views are valid and all views are partial.” The goal is not to get someone to admit that their view is wrong. The goal is to bring your view and their view together to create a more complete map of the terrain and to jointly plot a way forward.
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I don’t pretend that this is easy. Conflict is much more complicated and messy than combat. But the results preserve relationships rather than undermine them. It allows us to work toward a shared purpose rather than at cross purposes. It builds community even as it rearranges the status quo.